The Silence of Baby Loss...And Doing Something About It

Losing a baby....your child...is utterly heartbreaking.

It is a pain people can never imagine....unless of course, you've been there yourself.

Although, I take that back.

Most people can imagine exactly what it's like...but the thought of it is so traumatic, that they choose to block it out. 

Or avoid it.

When you lose a baby the first time, whether it be a early misscarriage, stillbirth, or infant, the support from people can be a huge outpouring.

The second time around....eh, not so much.

People just don't want to face it again.

Or at all.

There is no one to turn to.

Whether it's your first loss, or fourth, I have discovered that oftentimes your grieving is met by silence....a deafening sound. 

No one knows what to say or do to help.

So they just don't do anything.

And that hurts more then they know.

Not aknowledging that my child even existed....that is a pain that cuts more deep then their death ever did.

And then of course, when people do say something to "help", it is often best that they should have kept their mouths shut.

"At least you have your other children!"

"You can always have another."

"You already have so many.  Focus on them instead."

"Maybe it's God telling you that you should be done."

And so on, and so on.

They change the subject.

They try to play down your grief.

Or like some people in my family when mentioning Asher's birth, I hear them say "Who's Asher?" Really?

He is my child, that's who.

Jonathan is my child.

Not was.

IS.

These babies we have  lost are our flesh and blood....our children.

Why do people expect us to pretend they never existed?

They did. 

They do.

We are still their mothers.

And we will make sure they will be remembered.

Honored.

Each in their own, special way.

I have heard so many ways Jonathan and Asher's deaths have touched and helped several people, even in ways I would have never expected.  

Shortly after both of their deaths, each time, I have had to help friends go through almost duplicate situations with losing their babies.

 

Because of their short lives, and traumatic deaths and births, people have found answers.  People have been blessed.

But I want to do more.

Honor my boys.

To make sure no one ever forgets their tiny little toes and precious names, with rememberance of their sweet souls help minister to others.

But what?

What can I do?

I have been tossing ideas around in my head and to others, about starting up a Jonathan and Asher foundation type thing.

My first thought was, when I was at the hospital birthing Jonathan, there was no type of memory items they could give, except a pamphlet on grief, and a cheap, paper "first memories" book.  

The nurses searched their premie items for even a hat, and there was nothing quite small enough.

If I wouldn't have made his hat and blanket, or had my midwife and friend there for pictures, there would have been nothing to remember my little boy by.

Just because he was tiny, does not mean he shouldn't be swaddled, cared for, and treasured.

 Being a sister of a maternity nurse, I know for a fact that more times then I'd like to think of, mommies come in to birth their sleeping babies. 

 Tiny sleeping babies like Jonathan.

I was thinking of maybe crocheting or quilting small blankets, one for parents to wrap their baby in, and another to keep, a tiny crocheted hat, a little teddy bear, a poem or something similar, resources for tons of baby loss websites and memorabilia.....and more, all tucked in a small box.  

I figured I could do them in varying gestational ages, so the nurses could hand them out accordingly.

Maybe something similar for a miscarriage box for my doctor's office to give out to grieving mother's there....

So many ideas.

But I am not sure how to make any of it take shape.

Nor quite sure how to gather up the extra money or time yet to bring it all together.

But somehow.  Someway, I want to do something.

I know it's something God has laid on my heart.

It's a ministry that is needed here.

 I am afraid it's bigger then me....but I want to try.

I would love to hear some of your ideas, whether it's for additional items to put in the boxes, or even something totally different.   

Maybe some type of online ministry....making tiny blankets with names stitched... just something.

I want to bless others the way my precious babies blessed me.

And doing so, I will know their lives were never in vain.

And the silence will be no more.