A Rainbow

Well, in case you missed the announcement, it's official.

My rainbow baby is on the way.

 A rainbow.

Isn't that such a fitting thing to call this baby?

To get a rainbow, you must first battle the storm. 

After all of that darkness and gloom, then shines the beauty afterwards.

Oh,you can't forget the storm....after all, a rainbow can't appear without one, and the dreary clouds are still hovering in the sky.  

But it does bring beauty and light at the end of it all.

 

 I am just about 14 weeks (I think), and I look like I am at 20.

My uterus took no time in forgetting what to do this time.

Why hello there, I know how to do this job! Whooomph!
It's very happy to be back to work, I assure you.

Looking at this picture makes me face reality.  That this little one growing inside isn't my Jonathan, but a whole new blessing.

Wow.

I am doing my best to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy...although, I am still somewhat in denial.
I go about my day normally, trying not to think about it all too often.  

And trust me, I am a thinker, so it's not easy.

But when I do allow myself to ponder this new blessing more then just a little, the worries set in.

The fears.

The lack of faith.

What if this happens, and what if that happens?

The dread of going through a loss again is almost crippling.

It's so hard not to be afraid of it all...the pain is all too recent to forget.

Not that anyone ever forgets the loss of a child.

I feel like I am battling fears every minute of the day with this baby.  How do I not?  I am trying to cling to God's Word, and His promises....but sometimes that scares me even more. 

A precious friend of mine put it into words best....

"I think for a lot of Christians part of what makes the next pregnancy (after a loss) so hard is that you *do* trust God and that He has a plan for all things. You *know* that it was God's plan to take your child home before they ever took a breath on this earth. Now that you are expecting again, its not that you don't trust that God can take care of this baby, you worry that it might be His plan to take this child as well."

She is 100% right.

I do trust God that it is all His will, and He will do what's best for His plan, not mine.

And that totally might mean taking away this child as well.....

And of that, I am terrified.

Trying to stay strong and think positive....but by golly Lord, couldn't you have made this struggle a bit easier?

Another way of drawing me closer to Him, I guess.  

Isn't it funny though?

He takes our child to be with Him, we cling to Him in our pain (even though He is the one who caused it), then we thank Him for the new blessing in our womb, yet at the same time are clinging to Him again for trust that He won't take away this one as well.

Honestly...that takes a mind boggling amount of faith. No wonder it can be so hard.

But it is what we are called to do....

Only 13ish weeks.  

Such a long way to go.

So far, this pregnancy has been dragging by.  

I haven't told many people before this, because I felt like I was jinxing myself.

*Crosses fingers*

But I am at the point where I need the support of others, for no matter which way the Lord steers this all.

Do you know how hard it was for me to keep this secret from you gals?  

Honestly, I felt like I was going to explode. I just couldn't wait any longer.  You all have supported me through so much...and I am blessed to have you along for this newest journey as well.

So, what's been happening so far with this little one?

Well, nothing much yet.
Besides the fact I am already big as a house. Ahem.

Around 11 weeks I felt the baby move at least once a day for a whole week straight.  Then he (yes he, because honestly, with my track record, is there any other option?) decided to give mama an anxiety attack already and not move for days.  Since then, I have felt a few flutters here and there, but nothing consistent.  Hoping this baby will be a wiggle worm sooner then later, so I can relax a bit.

I go to see my midwife for the first visit sometime in the next few weeks.  Guess I should call her to set up an appointment soon, huh?  Again, putting it off in fears of jinxing myself. 

And silly thing is, I am not even superstitious.

I am soooooo looking forward to hearing this little one's heartbeat then.  Praying it will be loud and clear and easy to find.

I plan on getting a doppler soon as well, so I can whip it out at 3 in the morning when I wake up in a worried dream filled frenzy. 

The beginning of February (which is honestly so close!), I'll be heading for my 20 week ultrasound to confirm that this little guy is indeed a guy.

Because again, there isn't any other option, is there?  I have come to realize girls are just a fluke of nature. :oP
Even though I am super excited and anxious for that day to get here, I am also terribly dreading it.  In fact, I am not even allowing myself to think that far ahead.

I think those 20 week ultrasounds will always have a tainted memory to them from now on.

I am still ridiculously nauseated, and nothing sounds good to me but orange juice and fudge (yes, together), hamburgers, and salads....lots of yummy salads loaded with veggies, chicken strips, and gobs of dressing.  Yum.

Oh, and Twizzler Bites. DON'T forget the Twizzler Bites.

Ahhh, the insanity, I have got to have some! 

The joys of pregnancy cravings.

Too bad I need to go grocery shopping, and don't have any of those things on hand.  Grrr.

Since everything else I eat tastes like pure nastiness, I have been eating spoonfuls of homemade peanut butter, since it's all I can choke down otherwise. 

Besides the turbulent tummy, I've just been really sleepy.  Like really really sleepy. 

That's the main reason (besides the holidays and a million Etsy orders to catch up on) that I haven't honestly been blogging as much lately.  My brain is in such a fog that being my usual witty and charming self has been a struggle. 

I know, so disappointing.

Hopefully the brain funk will fade away soon and I will be back to normal.

Ummm, whatever normal is.

So that's that.  

Even though much isn't happening, it's most definitely an exciting time.

A rainbow is on the horizon!

And I am as cautiously thrilled as can be. :o)

 Now if the next 20sumthin' weeks could hurry up and pass!

In the meantime, I'll just sit here, half asleep as I type, gagging away while my children giggle and pretend to gag back, being my big ol' pregnant self, trying not to think about being pregnant. Much. Yet.

And doing my best to imagine that spoonfuls of peanut butter are chewy cherry bites of goodness.

Yeah. Good luck with that one, Holly.