It would have been Jonathan's due date.
It's so hard to believe that what seemed like a lifetime past when I held my sweet baby in my arms, was just a few short months ago in August.
It's also so hard to figure out, looking back, how I've made it so far to this day.
I never thought I could.
After holding my precious child, knowing he would never make a sound, never take a breath, and never look into my eyes this side of heaven, I couldn't have ever imagined living life normally again.
And technically I haven't.
The days go by.
Some are better then others.
But all are hard.
And all include "what if's".
What if I could have done something to keep him alive?
What if it was my fault he died in the first place?
What would he have looked like when he was toddler...who's personality would he have had?
What if he didn't know how much I loved him?
Everyone kept saying these days leading up close to his "due date" would be hard.
And I always thought, "Of course".
But I wasn't prepared for this....
For the tears that come out of nowhere and flow uncontrollably, as bad, and if not worse then when he was born.
It's like reality has hit, without showing an ounce of mercy.
And still, time goes on.
And I must be strong.
I'll make it.
I always do.
I know the pain will subside to a dull ache...eventually.
And in the mean time, I will chase away the hurt with thankfulness.
Thankful to God for granting me his short life to begin with.
Thankful for the impact both he and his death have made on so many.
Thankful for the ministry I have been able to have to others who are experiencing the same thing.
Thankful for the lessons I have learned from all of this.
Thankful for the friends who have supported me and blessed me with so much during this time.
Thankful for the sweet memories I have of him...those tiny kicks, those precious pictures....
And through it all, I will remember that joy really does come in the morning.
And there really is a rainbow after the storm:
Our Baby Rainbow Bear...due June of 2012 (I hope!).
Jonathan Levi might be with Jesus instead of here with me this December 28th...but I know he is looking down with a smile at the blessing of his new sibling.
And for that I am most thankful of all.
11 sweet comments!:
What a sweet lady you must be. To share your sorrow, and be such an encouragement to others.
So very excited for your "baby rainbow bear", what a blessing! I will be praying for you.
i can feel some of your pain. after 2 devastating miscarriages this year, i am still waiting to heal emotionally from these losses... but i'm not sure one ever does. praying that the new life you're carrying brings comfort to you and that you'd have joy and no worries. God bless.
I am due June 11th!! I have had 3 miscarriages...8 weeks, 11 weeks, 9 weeks. I was never able to have the bodies. The 11 week miscarriage nearly took my life, though before being rushed off to surgery to save my life, I was able to see my baby before he or she was discarded as medical waste. Amazingly, though, the Lord has given me such peace. It does not matter where the body went. My babies are with the Lord. To me, that is such a comfort. Have you felt Rainbow kick yet?
Where there is sorrow there is also joy.
Congrats to you & your family. Bitter sweet times, I'm sure.
Congratulations on your rainbow! and thank you for sharing your journey. May God ease your pain as you cuddle your new bump.
I read something the other day that said, "tell her I love you and I have not forgotten." So I'm sending the sister love of Christ and I have not forgotten little Jonathan. You are blessing people! God is using you in mighty way! I am so excited for you guys....YAY!!! Hopefully us too soon!!!
My heart aches for you, I know the pain you are feeling. I rejoice with you in the new beginning growing with in your womb! God Bless!!
Amy
aka
Strawberries 'n Sunshine
I hope all goes well for you in this pregnancy. Losing a child that early is so hard, it happened to me as well in march. The casket is just like the one we used. It's crazy how life has changed.
Good luck on your new little one!
No mother in this world should bury their children!
Congratulations!! I am continuing to pray for peace for you and also a smooth pregnancy. *hugs*
Those dates can be difficult and that's ok. I hope that no one expects you to pick up and move on b/c that just doesn't happen. You will always love, remember, and cherish him. His life has meaning. He is irreplaceable. Lots of love to you and praying for you with your rainbow blessing.
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